We went with his dad and brother, and it was fun. Well, some of the workers were crude and awkward but I thought they were funny. Anyway, we actually went. And I didn't think of it until later how big of a deal that was to me...it was something I've genuinely wanted to do for so long, and I mentioned it one time-without expecting anything to come of it. But we WENT. Actions were taken! Intentionally!! My goodness to give time to someone is fine, but to spend time...that's another thing entirely.
It got me to thinking (shocking, I know). All that time talking to...let's call him Buck, he painted a picture in my mind-telling me all the right things that made him appear thoughtful, gracious, a solid believer, open minded-he was truly great with words. But in the end that's all they are: words. Buck didn't show me he cared, but told me he did...honestly he never showed me he cared at all which leads me to think he was curious and unable to be vulnerable...yet. Curious about the girl that is usually single. Curious about the girl that wasn't like the rest of them or getting drunk or dressing provocatively. Quietly confident. In the end, he liked the idea of me more so than actual me, so imagine his disappointment when I made a mistake. However he did get to know me intellectually because we talked. A lot. All the time. (BUT when I say talk, I mean text. The time I finally needed to speak words with him, he cut me out).
Anyway, I say the "idea of me" because I reacted with jealousy and anger when he was all over another girl. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I was more upset with him for disrespecting me and my feelings by disregarding them completely. Her as well. I'm not sure if he thought I was perfect or what but I know myself and am far from that. I never claim to be a "good person." I am aware of right and wrong. For him to solely blame me for acting that way isn't fair, but it's the reality.
I went to the word. And prayed. And this is what I got: I was away from God and focused on all the wrong things. I didn't like who I was becoming and I was putting trust and faith in a person-not the Lord. I realized this from the bible, as well as another blog I follow, Diamond Diploma, and it clicked because that's why Buck was so upset with me. He had put so much trust and pressure on pedestal me-that when I fell, he was so disappointed and upset. All hope was lost and that made it easy to check out and move along to the new person. He would not speak to me and acted like I was a horrible, terrible person. I felt horrible, but really, he was a large part of why I was acting the way I was, and he dodged all responsibility by pinning it on me. We were both focused on the wrong person. We should have been focused on God and our own relationships with him.
Once we put our faith in people, we are doomed to be disappointed. Understanding that we all fall short, and fall often, makes it understandable and easier to accept apologies and issue forgiveness because we are no better than anyone else. We have no entitlements. It is not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable or accept apologies or issue them.
