Leading me to a over analytic state of mind.
...hence confusion.
Let's start with thanksgiving. NYC came over and visited with the family after dinner. He is older, established, bright and interesting, handsome, and pensive. Same church. We may have had a thing if he stayed down here...hmm but he did tell me I needed to maintain a certain weight and is argumentative....bad. I later find out someone at church was talking to him and we were banter (he was in town FOR A DAY). They told him they thought he and I would have ended up together had he stayed down here. Talk about planting seeds. Sure that may have happened, but that's not the situation!! UGH awkward. So awkward.
Next we have Buck. He jumps in and out of my life always in extremes...never just a little here and there. Not so dependable. But we vent to each other often so in those conversations he almost reestablishes his place in my life. It feels like he'll always be there but then sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, this one sends me selfies whenever I bring up another guy (Needless to say that this shirtless picture sharing doesn't have the same effect as when guys send to girls as to when girls send to guys...we're emotional and conversational over visual). It's like a reminder of, "hey, I look good and am better than that guy..."
Alright moving right along, we have Air Force. He came to meet me and some friends out on Friday night and we definitely got to know each other. All the way from his mom is Korean, to our aspirations. Not casual bar talk. He even asked if I would be willing to be with an army person....
Ok so I always had a crush on this kid, he's very handsome and sweet. Architect, aspiring to be in the USAF. (Herreeeeee comes the big but:) he dated my friend for 8 YEARS. He's been friend zoned. They broke up 5 months ago so I imagine he needs more healing time than what he's allowing anyway! Not to mention my grand little in the sorority loves him...seriously she was throwing herself at him and I taught her that is not attractive to the fellas and she piped down. He did mention that he wanted to get right with the Lord..so I think we'll be inviting him to group events and church things to help him with his flame.
Further more, we have Footballer. He's a swell guy. Swell is the perfect word...he's from church and kind. Very safe. He came by Sunday so I got to see him for the first time in a while and his big ole family was all around and it was comfortable. I just hate to feel like I'm being watched and analyzed, so I turn into the quiet introvert around them. And poor Will Smith decided he has a crush on me..and every other girl at church, ahem, but he watched from across the table. I value his friendship so I felt bad sitting by Footballer in front of him.
This weekend made me want to crawl into a hole. I don't know what I want, I do know what could be best.
How I feel around each of these guys is so different. With NYC, there's excitement and I know there would be so much to experience with him. With Footballer, it would be comfortable and simple. Definitely family oriented. With Buck, there's intrigue and wonder and desire. Sounds more like infatuation or lust, huh? And with USAF it's new and interest, but dishonorable. The crushes always seem like the best route due to their distance from family and friendship ties/opinions...they automatically look better and like an escape. But I don't want to drive these great guys away in a search for more. Do I buck up and make a choice, or keep....waiting....
Overall....I am likely to distance myself...yet again. I already see it happening. If I get involved it feels so stuck and final. That is terrifying too.
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