He is a wonderful guy. And I'm haunted by the recurring theme that my mom is always right, but honestly the attention she is giving it is making me push away. I am a control/perfectionist person and I like to decide things on my own...and I am very in tune with myself so I am always sure of how I feel. I don't let what I feel interfere with what I know is best for me though, a habit in which a friend told me is my vice.
So what I'm feeling: not as much attraction as I want. There isn't a heart skipping a beat or anything when I get a text or snapchat or phone call. I don't yearn for him. I want a spark. I fear I may end up using him for his kindness to help me not feel alone or worthless...something I won't allow. I don't dig leading on so my mom is acting on this hardcore. She can probably sense me holding back and doesn't want me to have a "one that got away."
I don't know what I'm doing this time next year. I am not looking to settle down, I want to go on trips, I want to meet cute guys on airplanes (which happened... that never happens, but he was the most handsome person on the plane and he SAT NEXT TO ME...FATE. I legitimately blushed when walking by him while waiting to board).
I've been praying about it. I need to approach a new angle to ask the Lord what his will is for me and this situation and relationship. The other guy (the one who you just know isn't good enough for you) still pops into my dreams here and there. He's one I need to just let go but the attraction for him is strong...and infatuation. I love an intellectual conversation...if you slap a great smile on that and some good height...I'm done for.
Stay tuned. Who knows what sort of care package my mom will have conjured up for me to send him when I get home from work today. I won't be trying on wedding dresses to entertain her...I'm feeling mean and distancing myself from our usual...I usually tell her everything. And I miss that.
