Sunday, November 22, 2015

Curls Just Wanna Have Fun

"People like being around people who smile and are having a ball. So be that." Quote from my mother when we were very young. This works in so many ways and it became a way of life too.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Wait a Minute

Could it be that the way lots of folks live now (in carefree, surface relationships and such) are what is really killing relationships that are satisfying? On the other side of the spectrum are the people who get all too excited when they do find someone that they rush into marriage...these mentions are all extremes. Fear of any commitment, getting what you need from multiple people, or blindly diving in before checking the pool signs.

Also, personal sidebar, I noticed my family has a history of choosing the rebels as their counterparts. Literally (all from the women's angle in choice, because the women are ultimately the choosers), my grandmothers chose rebels. My mom did. All of my aunts did. Great aunts hold an exception but they were still going for badass army/marine men...and I only knew them after they settled down a bit. Their stories are top gun epic.

Thinking about it further...most women do choose the badass guy. This infuriates nice fellows to no end. It has to be the "special" feeling people seek. They want to be the unique one he chooses over all of the others....except meanwhile the joke is on the girls...because they likely have more than one "special" friend, never letting one commitment get too close.

So in considering my papa, he has amazing stories from growing up-seriously amazing, (read: we are all missing out). My granny, the town Laurel Queen title holder, chose him. She had her pickings and she chose the one who life would be fun with. Life was slower paced then, and careful. It wasn't cool to be careless. Their relationship was built slow, with respect and love. It's still strong today. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

End the Relationship

A really good Reason to End the Relationship

Welp. I read the above article....and it was all too true. Applicable. Nailed it. I just ended things with my Mr. PerfectOnPaper (Follower of Christ, tall, athlete, kind, loved line know..the good stuff). It was absolutely terrifying. My gut knew the truth the entire time, and I couldn't take it anymore. He said he'd have married me. I really think he thought I was his person, but we were together a year and he didn't know me at all. He loved the idea of me, but not actual me-and that's a bit painful to accept too. 

So I saw him with another great girl at church, at the Christmas Eve service (intimate). It was his whole family. And her. That was so hard to see and accept, but that's what I wanted-he needs to find the person for him, it's not me. I want to maintain a friendship but I don't know if he can handle that, really.  I think the difficult and heart-wrenching aspect of it all just came from being replaced...sort of prideful, but dang. That's rough.

Let's Catch Up

This concert weekend was a test in more than one way, allow me to explain:

Buck was there -_- after I just had the best time with Clint..of which Buck was also there-not present really because he distanced himself...but the best part was I didn't even notice he did. You see, Buck likes to push my limits and doesn't care to protect me from regret. He teases in every way. He's alluring. Things with Clint are different. We can talk below the surface, he loves like Jesus does, he's encouraging, no games-calls/texts first (and one better, I'm not afraid to text first). Holds hands. Cares openly. Thoughtful. We have similar humor... IT'S SO REFRESHING. There are no gray areas! He told me to never feel embarrassed around him and we are impressed by each other, not bored. I like where this is going, he's just 3 hours away...where Buck actually lives for school.

I told Buck (because we are supposed to be "friends" ..again -_-) about how excited I was about Clint. It was (not surprisingly) ill received. He ignored it and then tested me out. He doesn't respect me or my feelings at all. I say this because he promised me he would not pursue my friends because it bothers me so much. I know that he is not only doing this AGAIN, but also with my ex boss. That screwed me over. Great. Sounds like I'm trying to convince myself, but it's all true. I still feel for him, but I know he can't give me what I need: security. Clint can. So far anyway. It's too soon really, however we are both open in that we want to spend more time together. I've never been in a situation where I like someone who likes me at the same time that I'm excited about. Never. Out of all the relationships I've given chances, I have never had one like this. It's always been a set up, or a you'd be great together, or me not being entirely convinced. 

Then there's the clueless cop, pushy NYC, desperate Airforce, two faced church boy, perfect J, sad footballer, etc. bouncing around my inbox as well. I refuse to lead them on but respect their attempts at relationships...sort of...some are sort of terrible.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I Like You Let's Hold Hands

How we decide we like someone is a curious thing. What is it that draws two hearts together? There's some sort of innate attraction that goes on, sure. Is it your bodily instinct seeing what it needs or lacks in someone else? That to me would be a self-aware person, accepting of criticism and outwardly seeking completion. Or is it that you see a challenging person; someone who doesn't let it be easy to give or receive love to or from them? That comes off as a prideful person by seeking love that is difficult to achieve, possibly because they don't feel worthy without the difficult person's approval. Or could it be that you see someone like you that you are compatible with due to their lack of differences? This person is one that would be confident in themselves or very self-involved. 

Perhaps it is a mutuality in all of these types of people. Attraction to like minded/similarities, attraction to hard to get, attraction to the opposite--it seems to me that this mutual selection process varies greatly on the person's ego, confidence, or seek of balance. So timing in your life and where you are will affect who you attract and are attracted's like changing your "type" over time to suit your needs.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Don't Judge Me

So after all being out celebrating the end of the professional sports season-I told someone I couldn't stay with everyone through the am for breakfast, even though I wanted to, because I had an obligation to go to church for my Sunday schoolers.  We had the best time-literally pulled an all nighter; broke into the hotel pool and made memories I'll hold onto forever with my best friends.  But at the talk of leaving...and to leave to go to church...there were jokes of the KKK and such made, but I still left and didn't get bent out of shape.  My friend had the same obligation, but let me be alone in taking the party pooper title, and acted like I was dragging her away from Disney.  I didn't act like the people I was leaving were heathens. Or beneath me. Or anything that would be a low blow...except for the one fellow trying to make moves on me...I ignored the crap out of that one. Anyway, I hope that if anything I planted a seed that we could have the best time and still be church folks.

That has been my anthem forever.  The hard part is dealing with their outlooks that are so different than mine. It's hard to break that barrier to show that people have issues with religions, not Jesus.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Hard Times

So we get started by thinking we can do whatever we want- so we do just that; bop along pretending to care about nothing because everyone else is and they seem fine- and then we continue to spiral down, deep down into a crevice and we can just barely see the light. By then we feel so much shame that we don't think we're worthy to be seen in the we continue to cower in shame and get worse and worse.

For this reason I think it is so important we teach folks it is okay and actually encouraged TO CARE. Care about perception. Care about how you treat yourself and others. Care. Sure there is perceived strength in acting carefree, but it's a lie and we all know it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Young Volcanoes

Well. You ever have one of those weekends where it reaches Monday and you just sort of can't believe what happened? It is finally over and you're sitting there in retrospect, probably in your car, and the shock is just beginning to wear off.

I haven't exactly stopped to consider the situation much in the effect it had on myself as I've been concerning myself with the effect it had on the others involved.  Selfless to a fault, I'm told. 
It was going to be a great weekend, a gathering of old friends like old times, but life got in the way and was clearly too much to bare for a couple of the folks involved.
One of those nights when you know things won't be quite the same. One of those nights which leaves you thinking it was never this bad before. One of those nights that could ruin everything if ignored. One of those nights that scattered the eggshells. One of those nights which makes you wonder how did we end up here?

I can tell you exactly how. It was a summation of several factors-all independent but affecting everyone just the same. It was Buck's history with girls,  Rager's temper from his family history, a dash of alcohol for emotion...ahem shots on shots on shots, a rough patch with the Rager's girlfriend that branched from prior trust issues, and miscommunications.  Classic conditions for an explosion.

My nightmares the last three nights showed me how I'm so unsettled by it all. I need answers and have learned from growing up that you cannot sweep things like this under the rug. And sometimes it's better to wait it out, sure, but that may not be the case with this one. 

Rager and Buck got into a huge fight, provoked by Rager on empty allegations after Buck checked on Girl in the bathroom and said,"She's all yours" so...under ragers assumption, though, it was a fight over the girl. Rager ran away bloody and bruised Buck got his jeep stuck on the beach in the pursuit to bring Rager back.  Or bury him...who actually knows. We got the other jeep stuck in attempt to retrieve jeep number one. So by the end of the night, we have a missing drunk with keys, two stuck jeeps that made room in the driveway for Rager's truck to escape, and so much emotion unturned. Unsettled dust everywhere. SUCH A MESS. I learned way more than anyone would ever want to share about themselves that night and I haven't even processed all of it yet enough to be remotely helpful but, life goes on. And things are growing worse as they are unaddressed.

Did I mention I hate the waiting game. .

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Married Men and Bachelor Parties

(actual photo from the weekend ^^^)
So a crew of five of us were in Key West for a birthday celebration over the weekend, and mind you it is wedding season. We met so many bachelor parties it was unbelievable. Well this one particular group was a bunch of older gentlemen (ages 27-33) who work on Wall Street or in law, finance, insurance, etc in LA, NYC, and Boston. Basically they do really well in their fields and all were ivy league. Their bills at Dante's were over $790 both Saturday and Sunday...ahem, what?!

So maybe their deep pockets attributed to their egocentric behavior, but I couldn't accept any excuses for the lack of respect these men showed for their significant others. "Forgetting" to wear wedding bands, inappropriate dancing and grabbing, flirting, territorial antics, saying they didn't like labels, etc. There were only 4 single guys out of the 14 in their crew, and they were more respectful than the married/fiance fellows. I could not gather why the married guys would do this or think it's okay. Or why my friend justified it as them "just having fun." I'm not giving the credit to the great guys-it was proven possible to be friends and to actually just have fun because most of the guys did just that, without adding anything extra (flirting etc) to stroke their big heads. I respected them and hung around them. The ones in the wrong felt guilty I guess because they started trying to explain themselves and suck up.

If any of those boys were mine, I would not be able to trust them if I saw what they were doing when I wasn't around to see.  Sure, nothing happened so far as we know, but their actions were the gateway drug, so to they added alcohol so goodbye better judgement and a big hello to the cliff's edge that just got that much closer.  Why would you see just how far you can go? Why would you put yourself where it gets harder to prevent the fall? You're only going to end up pushing further and further and before you know it, you've done something extremely unsettling that would crush someone you love. Ergo, ruining your life you worked so hard to create and build.

No you're not "just having fun," you're looking for a selfish rush. Self control and commitment to selfless sacrifice rings in there and I don't respect cheating in any form, "minor" or major.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Wedding Weekends

Weddings have a clarity about them. A terrifying sureness. There is something about seeing your friends devoting themselves to each other forever (something we can't well comprehend) that makes you consider your self with utmost clarity who you can picture down there with you, center least at this time of your life.

This weekend I had the pleasure of being a plus one. Merely a guest that just had to show up on time and enjoy the event that the lovely couple had worked on for months and months and months. From the heart shaped hole punches to the self crafted wood bar (which was open by the way), it was all spectacular. The warmth from both families and the happiness they all shared was contagious and the wedding and reception was so pleasant, I felt like I was in a movie.

Their wedding song, among many, was Love Like Jesus Does by Eric Church...something I've written about before. And that is precisely what I want. God centered-we say that but what does it mean?

It means both parties learned how to love the way Jesus taught us to through his actions. It makes us better able to understand sacrifice and selflessness. Commitment isn't taken lightly, and faith, devotion, and trust are also important and sought. 

Jesus' sacrifice for us showed he can put everyone of us ahead of himself. His forgiveness taught us how we are imperfect and deserve mercy-that it is possible to forgive and move on, as well as repent and move on. My goal is to find someone who understands that because of their own personal relationship with Jesus-they'll bring you up and not tear you down. They have confidence because they know they are worth the love, a love like Jesus does. 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Church friends and Sunday Chats

I am lucky in that I do have friends I can talk about anything with. Girls I trust with knowledge of my inner most struggles. We talk about God, forgiveness, our temptations, praises, and thankfulness. These friends just happen to be my "church friends," and I don't know what I'd do without them. I know they'll be in my wedding someday...if there is a day, there may be a day. Anyway just feeling so thankful for them in my life, helping me to stay balanced.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Life Weekend Update

This was the weekend of the top tier. My number one and number two slotted fellows were visited with on the same day in very different settings. I was also pestered when making my weekend escape by those I am avoiding. (Boys that I deemed off limits that won't take no for an answer). So there's that. Anyway, I'm writing to organize my thoughts. Sometimes it's as if I don't know what I think until I write it down.

So. Here goes.

Music has a way of inspiring feeling and thought. Not necessarily profound, but a revelation nonetheless. Untouchable by T Swift was my anthem today. I've been untouchable, burning brighter than the sun.  I attract attention I haven't been looking for, or at least haven't wanted. And I got to thinking about *Why*. What it is that makes me do this hesitation with guys so much.  I actually know, and it's because I'm caught up in number 2.  I've been waiting for him to come around and for our lives to match up so we can finally jump then fall, all the while knowing he isn't about it.. But I don't talk to him about it for fear of chasing him away. The one time we were close, we opted out because we thought if we did, we'd lose the friendship we've come to love. Timing is everything and I'm always late. 

So we keep each other up to date. Dating lives and all. Number one, now his family is wonderful and welcoming and fun. He's the sweetest guy with the best saved heart. He can tell I'm holding back and careful but I'm up for getting to hang out and get to know each other better...and I think he knows that. I may need to drop number 2 completely to make room for number 1. I don't want to do that..but it may be necessary after all to move along. Or at least to create more distance for a little while so I'm not emotionally attached to numero dos. It stinks because for girls that's a hard tie to break, for guys it's more the physical which is a line we haven't crossed... with the exception of a couple kisses spontaneously, hand holds, and a snuggle sesh we had a way long time ago. 

What excuse or justification will I come up with next as I string myself along this trail that surely leads me nowhere? 


Power of opinion thrives on our personal qualm of caring what people think. Just saying-it's all in our heads.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Analyzing Analyses...because I'm a Girl

So this weekend was seriously boy crazy.
Leading me to a over analytic state of mind.
...hence confusion.

Let's start with thanksgiving. NYC came over and visited with the family after dinner. He is older, established, bright and interesting, handsome, and pensive. Same church. We may have had a thing if he stayed down here...hmm but he did tell me I needed to maintain a certain weight and is argumentative....bad. I later find out someone at church was talking to him and we were banter (he was in town FOR A DAY). They told him they thought he and I would have ended up together had he stayed down here. Talk about planting seeds. Sure that may have happened, but that's not the situation!! UGH awkward. So awkward.

Next we have Buck. He jumps in and out of my life always in extremes...never just a little here and there. Not so dependable.  But we vent to each other often so in those conversations he almost reestablishes his place in my life. It feels like he'll always be there but then sometimes it doesn't. Anyway, this one sends me selfies whenever I bring up another guy (Needless to say that this shirtless picture sharing doesn't have the same effect as when guys send to girls as to when girls send to guys...we're emotional and conversational over visual). It's like a reminder of, "hey, I look good and am better than that guy..."

Alright moving right along, we have Air Force. He came to meet me and some friends out on Friday night and we definitely got to know each other. All the way from his mom is Korean, to our aspirations. Not casual bar talk. He even asked if I would be willing to be with an army person....
Ok so I always had a crush on this kid, he's very handsome and sweet. Architect, aspiring to be in the USAF. (Herreeeeee comes the big but:) he dated my friend for 8 YEARS. He's been friend zoned. They broke up 5 months ago so I imagine he needs more healing time than what he's allowing anyway! Not to mention my grand little in the sorority loves him...seriously she was throwing herself at him and I taught her that is not attractive to the fellas and she piped down. He did mention that he wanted to get right with the I think we'll be inviting him to group events and church things to help him with his flame.

Further more, we have Footballer. He's a swell guy. Swell is the perfect word...he's from church and kind. Very safe. He came by Sunday so I got to see him for the first time in a while and his big ole family was all around and it was comfortable. I just hate to feel like I'm being watched and analyzed, so I turn into the quiet introvert around them. And poor Will Smith decided he has a crush on me..and every other girl at church, ahem, but he watched from across the table. I value his friendship so I felt bad sitting by Footballer in front of him.

This weekend made me want to crawl into a hole. I don't know what I want, I do know what could be best.

How I feel around each of these guys is so different. With NYC, there's excitement and I know there would be so much to experience with him. With Footballer, it would be comfortable and simple. Definitely family oriented. With Buck, there's intrigue and wonder and desire. Sounds more like infatuation or lust, huh?  And with USAF it's new and interest, but dishonorable. The crushes always seem like the best route due to their distance from family and friendship ties/opinions...they automatically look better and like an escape. But I don't want to drive these great guys away in a search for more. Do I buck up and make a choice, or keep....waiting....

Overall....I am likely to distance myself...yet again. I already see it happening. If I get involved it feels so stuck and final. That is terrifying too.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving Cards

So my mom has decided that the guy I went on a couple dates with is the one. She just bought him a card for me to give him on Thanksgiving. Let me repeat: A Thanksgiving card....what the?

He is a wonderful guy. And I'm haunted by the recurring theme that my mom is always right, but honestly the attention she is giving it is making me push away.  I am a control/perfectionist person and I like to decide things on my own...and I am very in tune with myself so I am always sure of how I feel.  I don't let what I feel interfere with what I know is best for me though, a habit in which a friend told me is my vice. 

So what I'm feeling: not as much attraction as I want. There isn't a heart skipping a beat or anything when I get a text or snapchat or phone call. I don't yearn for him.  I want a spark.  I fear I may end up using him for his kindness to help me not feel alone or worthless...something I won't allow.  I don't dig leading on so my mom is acting on this hardcore. She can probably sense me holding back and doesn't want me to have a "one that got away."

I don't know what I'm doing this time next year. I am not looking to settle down, I want to go on trips, I want to meet cute guys on airplanes (which happened... that never happens, but he was the most handsome person on the plane and he SAT NEXT TO ME...FATE. I legitimately blushed when walking by him while waiting to board). 

I've been praying about it. I need to approach a new angle to ask the Lord what his will is for me and this situation and relationship.  The other guy (the one who you just know isn't good enough for you) still pops into my dreams here and there. He's one I need to just let go but the attraction for him is strong...and infatuation. I love an intellectual conversation...if you slap a great smile on that and some good height...I'm done for. 

Stay tuned. Who knows what sort of care package my mom will have conjured up for me to send him when I get home from work today. I won't be trying on wedding dresses to entertain her...I'm feeling mean and distancing myself from our usual...I usually tell her everything. And I miss that. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Forgiving Grudges

These are just my notes from an Andy Stanley sermon: Fight Club series. I wanted to have them readily available so I posted them on here! If you're feeling like it's time to rekindle embers, read through these and listen to the sermons-there are 4 parts but are well worth your time. 

Fight Club Series from Northpoint Ministries

Love and mine xo

Reconciliation Notes

2 Corinthians 5:18- All this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself through Christ, not counting men's sins against them. 

God found a way to get into a relationship with us- and all sins, past and current, are still there. We're accepted without changing anything. 

God took sin off the table and reconciled with us while we were still messed up...not after an explanation. We operate under a different standard because as people we try to make people explain or justify.

I. Goal is reconciliation.

A. Reconciliation is not 
1.justifying your actions
2.being completely understood
3.convincing the other person they were wrong

B. Reconciliation is a relationship characterized by Acceptance in spite of past offenses and current differences. 

-Not about resolving the past, but about moving past the past.    
C. Objection: But what if they interpret my acceptance as condoning what they've done? Risk reputation to have reconciliation with people. Jesus did that. 
D. You have to decide if you're going to take a stand or build a relationship. There is a time and a place for both. 

 "I accept you." He didn't come to condemn the world. He came so the world could be rescued from the things that condemn us. Don't hide behind rightness and let that keep you from reconciliation. It's only a  way to avoid by keeping your self righteousness and pride above -its a bigger issue/obstacle to reconcile than the wrong performed against you. At some point you have to stop making your point and build the relationship. It's not up to you to remind them they were wrong. They have themselves for that-it's not your job to do that. 

Reconciliation paves the way to relationship, which paves the way to influence. Regain credibility and a voice. 

II. Strategy: Create a safe, relational environment

A. Prying and coercing don't work for turtles or people. Only way to connect is to create a safe relational environment\may take months or years.  When they feel safe and bring things up and know they wont be attacked is when they'll come out of their shell. When we feel safe, we're willing to be vulnerable and talk and will take responsibility for things we otherwise would not have owned up to.
B. Reconciliation is reached in a place of humility and acceptance, where it's safe. 
C. Reconciliation is not primarily about conflict resolution.

III. Motto: The best defense is no defense. 

-Defense is good when you want to win an argument or be right but not in rekindling relationship. 

-I know it's possible because the Lord did it with me, without any explaining or changes.

-Reconciliation often requires that we shoulder the consequences and complications of someone else's decisions. But if you think about it, we've all been on the receiving end of that kind of sacrifice. This is the gospel, and why Christianity is good news. 

2 Cor 5:21

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 

*No guarantee for a happy ending, but your effort will bring peace as well. Swallowing pride and extending humility goes a long way.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

By George, I Think She's Got it

This is the perfect embodiment of what I think about the "The One" and how that concept doesn't actually exist. 
Choose your poison wisely ;) Teasing but the above post is a Must Read.  

"There is no biblical basis to indicate that God has one soul mate for you to find and marry. You could have a great marriage with any number of compatible people. There is no ONE PERSON for you. But once you marry someone, that person becomes your one person...all that really mattered was that he loved the lord, made you laugh, and was someone you to whom you were attracted. The rest is frosting."

The Break Up Bench

So there's this bench. Right next to the only school library entrance and exit. I call it the break up bench. Why would this nonchalant, concrete, rectangular prism be labeled as such? 

It was an early afternoon on a Wednesday or Thursday. So school was bustling. My friend knew something was up with her then boyfriend. Out of the blue, in route to walking her to her car across campus, he asked her to sit down on this very bench. I presume that his severe lapse in judgement for time and place was due to an overwhelming emotional state. (Benefit of the doubt...)

At any rate, he began to tell my dear friend she was too good for him. He couldn't be the guy she deserved. He began to cry (No, not a type-o there-*HE*). Right there, in front of all the people around them. The macho 6'3" fellow lost it.  My friend was caught off guard and still had a sense about her before the reality of the situation set in; she stood up and commenced walking to her car, grabbing him to come along and escape the lime light. 

I walked up to the car where I found them both crying. Imagine that for a second. Yeah. The timing I have is absolutely impeccable. The worst of it is I didn't realize and said "Hi hello how are ya," like things were normal. When I was greeted with silence I looked up and immediately escaped the situation. 

Anyway, what I'm getting at with this story is God works in mysterious ways. He and her weren't meant to be, his heart wasn't ready or able to understand.  When you can love like Jesus does, people with pain and shame that don't know how Jesus works just simply do not feel worthy of time or affection because they hold you up above others. They respect you because you respect you, and they can tell your accepting heart is just a bit different, but we have to try to explain why without bible jargon sometimes.  

This boy was not saved, he didn't understand the love of God all too well. My friend tried to show him--he wasn't budging so she sort of gave up talking about it at all. BAD. He and I actually had some discussions and disagreements about atheism and belief and faith. I pray we planted some seeds for his own heart because our conversations never really went anywhere.  He had quite a wall up and instead of addressing what he felt shame for, he wanted to keep everything all to himself. 

No one should feel they aren't worthy of another's time.  I know what it feels like to be left out, and I made it a point in my childhood and now adulthood to prevent people around me from feeling left out. God doesn't leave anyone out, we all fall short, but he loves us all anyway no matter what we do.  It is such a freeing feeling to be able to confess our wrongs to someone greater than we are...and He always will love us anyway. No matter what we do.  Just acknowledging our imperfections is humbling and a relief.  If we hold the shame in our hearts, it affects our relationships with others as well as spreads hate because you're carrying that baggage around with you...all alone. 

The feelings of approval we crave I think comes from the Lord.  We all seek, want, and have desire for respect, encouragement, comfort, security, support, acceptance, approval, appreciation, attention, and affection.  It is only satisfied completely with a love accepted from Jesus.  Partners can try, but when they disappoint us it hurts worse than anything.  Thus the importance of a God-centered relationship-and all that means is both partners work on their own relationships with Jesus as well as their relationship together.

SideNote: Love Like Jesus Does by Eric Church is so well written in the sense that it shows what it means to know how Jesus loves. 

It's how we are to love each other too. 

End Rant. Love and mine!

Friday, September 6, 2013

Rule #11: Make moves. Danger Warning's for the Better

So this is the second time I've asked. And it's no easier than the first...but, I prayed that the Lord would remove from my life those that are dangerous to me or bringing me down.

I started out accepting. I knew that folks would be weeded out one way or another-just like last time....but then I tried to hang on to a couple of them, just like last time. The ones I tried to keep that God was distancing actually worsened the relationship ties with those people and I burned bridges by being too forceful for the friendship. Weak sauce. I came across as desperate and insecure, which is a difficult person to trust.

So now I'm more involved at church, I don't drink more than one when I'm out (which is honestly not a change), and I feel refocused. And focused on me and my relationship with God-I know what I'm capable of and want to do, so I'm in a better place already! BUT because I was off the narrow path, I'm behind...I have a lot of catching up to do and D-Day is December 7th. The day of the LSAT. My goals are set high, and I want to please my Lord as he leads me with strong hands.

I'm so thankful for my faith. Everyday. To realize and correct it is the best feeling too, a sense of overcoming being lost is evident. I'm happier and more confident in what I do because Jesus is with me and I'm accepting Him again.

Thank goodness.

Lead Me by Sanctus Real :) Thankful for this song, too.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Control Who You Fall For

With all of the engagement announcements and weddings coming up among friends, I was brought back to consider what I conjured up in my mind a long while ago...(I want to say middle school ish): you can control who you fall in love with. 

Now. I know folks love dwelling on the line, "You can't help who you love." Ohhh but yes, yes you can.

Who your time is spent with is who you grow relationships with, and thus leads to who you love (friends, boyfriends).  Be it with the frat star, friend-zone guy, the dropout, the bad boy, the christian fellow, the jerk, you name it.  You get to choose who you spend time with. You do! No one will force you to get on that motorcycle with that handsome bad boy guy to cruise casually up and down A1A as the sun is setting. Your curiosity may have wanted to be there, and you fell for it. By making time for him to leave a stamp on your heart and in your mind, you allowed your wall to come down. It gave you a story for your friends, sure, but
honestly the relationships that last are those out of the spotlight. 

But if you know your value, and are being honest, you also knew he wasn't good for you before you went. This applies to the girl who dates her friend's ex also.  She knows full well how much it will hurt said friend, so for her to DECIDE to pursue the ex pursuing her, that is a choice out of self, and not of love. That's a very sticky situation, but largely why I think it hurts so much. 

Self control comes into play, and as difficult as it is, you have to look out for yourself in these situations to guard your heart.  When it's tattered and sad, you're ultimately wasting your own time.  Time that could have been spent as the happy, unbroken you ready to meet someone new and better. 

The Lord tries to help guide you, but you choose your route. They say be young, be crazy...I say be young but don't be too crazy, because your past will haunt you. No matter what "they" say... "They" are also the ones that won't let you forget what you did, too.  Those are the people not truly looking out for your best interest.  The Lord, however, will forgive you because real "love keeps no records of wrongs." 

It does me good to re-read this verse, and helps me be real in realizing who loves me and who does not:

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...

What I'm trying to get at is to be intentional. Your time is not limitless, and you deserve to give it to the best. Especially now, because being young is powerful, and fleeting.  Choose your loved ones wisely. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

He took me Shooting

So there is the new guy. This one took me shooting....which just so happens to be what the other guy had promised me we'd go do a thousand times. But it never happened...

We went with his dad and brother, and it was fun. Well, some of the workers were crude and awkward but I thought they were funny.  Anyway, we actually went. And I didn't think of it until later how big of a deal that was to was something I've genuinely wanted to do for so long, and I mentioned it one time-without expecting anything to come of it. But we WENT. Actions were taken! Intentionally!! My goodness to give time to someone is fine, but to spend time...that's another thing entirely.

It got me to thinking (shocking, I know). All that time talking to...let's call him Buck, he painted a picture in my mind-telling me all the right things that made him appear thoughtful, gracious, a solid believer, open minded-he was truly great with words. But in the end that's all they are: words. Buck didn't show me he cared, but told me he did...honestly he never showed me he cared at all which leads me to think he was curious and unable to be vulnerable...yet. Curious about the girl that is usually single. Curious about the girl that wasn't like the rest of them or getting drunk or dressing provocatively.  Quietly confident.  In the end, he liked the idea of me more so than actual me, so imagine his disappointment when I made a mistake. However he did get to know me intellectually because we talked. A lot. All the time. (BUT when I say talk, I mean text. The time I finally needed to speak words with him, he cut me out). 

Anyway, I say the "idea of me" because I reacted with jealousy and anger when he was all over another girl. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I was more upset with him for disrespecting me and my feelings by disregarding them completely.  Her as well.  I'm not sure if he thought I was perfect or what but I know myself and am far from that.  I never claim to be a "good person." I am aware of right and wrong.  For him to solely blame me for acting that way isn't fair, but it's the reality.

I went to the word. And prayed. And this is what I got: I was away from God and focused on all the wrong things. I didn't like who I was becoming and I was putting trust and faith in a person-not the Lord.  I realized this from the bible, as well as another blog I follow, Diamond Diploma, and it clicked because that's why Buck was so upset with me.  He had put so much trust and pressure on pedestal me-that when I fell, he was so disappointed and upset. All hope was lost and that made it easy to check out and move along to the new person.  He would not speak to me and acted like I was a horrible, terrible person. I felt horrible, but really, he was a large part of why I was acting the way I was, and he dodged all responsibility by pinning it on me.  We were both focused on the wrong person. We should have been focused on God and our own relationships with him.

Once we put our faith in people, we are doomed to be disappointed. Understanding that we all fall short, and fall often, makes it understandable and easier to accept apologies and issue forgiveness because we are no better than anyone else.  We have no entitlements.  It is not a sign of weakness to be vulnerable or accept apologies or issue them.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Rule #10: Figure it Out -THE WRONG GUY-

I don't know what my struggle is.

Actually I do. I just don't want to accept it.

So if you haven't already guessed, I'm talking about the wrong guy.  I enjoy his attention, and it is the female version of the chase high that guys get...we want to win them over and fix them. Be the one girl who he changes for, the one girl that calmed him down.  To have that strong of a connection with someone that they don't want to lose you and then they change right then....yeah that's far and rare between.

The truth, and all to real, actual version of the tale is: I'm investing in the wrong person..there's no real risk because I don't really ever plan on being with this guy.  He's Mr. Right Now.  It's just fun to keep it alive and is also challenging.  It's someone to tell your mom you're dating so she stops trying to set you up with that "nice" (truthfully strange) guy from the office.

It is obvious to anyone who uses their brain that that wrong guy has been practicing and developing all of the wrong kinds of skills. He won't know how to treat you, but he will know how to juggle a lot of things at once *ahem* because he is used to juggling several ladies all at the same time.  He won't know how to treat just one as special, and when the going gets rough-oh, on to the next one, because that's what he's been doing his entire dating career.

He gets what he needs from several sources, how will he be satisfied with just one?

Just consider that, though. Life is connected (bible says so). And that makes SENSE (not surprising).  What you have been practicing and participating in your whole life is all that you know how to do. Sure, there is learning and adapting and changing, but you know how hard it is to change a habit. Think of a bad one of your own; like nail biting, procrastinating, cracking knuckles, fidgeting, etc.   First you'd need to be aware it's a problem, then you have to be dedicated and conscious of it to alter it.  There lies the problem-the guys don't see it as a problem, but as an alpha trophy, a part of life...AND THEY'RE PROUD OF IT. The wrong ones...not the right ones. They do exist, again, pray for the right guys to stay on the narrow path and that you are patient in finding one that will seek someone like you. In the on bettering you!

I sound like I'm merely justifying my jealousy and anger toward the inspiration dude of this post. The fact of the matter is, I am hooked on a phony.  He made me feel like a fool for caring, which is so wrong- and I got caught getting emotional. I do NOT wear my heart on my sleeve. Ever. And he brought it out of me, and I was catty. For the first time in my life I let my emotions (the female parallel of the male 2nd mind) take over my actions and I hate myself for it.  I don't like his effect on me-who he is shaping me to be- and Pastor Andy Stanley says in his sermons that it is important to be with someone who brings you up. Not down. That doesn't mean I don't like Mr. Wrong- unfortunately, there's not an on/off switch.  But my better sense now knows that he's not for me.

So off I go.

I'm leaving this post with this, Guard Your Heart. (PROVERBS 4:23) The bible warns us to,
and it really is so important.  If you aren't careful, you'll fall into foolishness, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc and possibly (and sadly slowly (so you don't see it creeping up and consuming you)) become someone you aren't proud of.  Don't let it get to that point and nip it in the butt while it's still early.  Before you make that regret that you justify.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

In Honor of Father's Day...

A friend of mine sent me this, and I thought it necessary for sharing.

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakable place that isn't rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn't need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I hope he votes—but as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart, he's good.

I don’t care if he's artistic—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I hope he believes and thinks the ways that you do—he needs to be raised to value the sacred, and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:


Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,


Monday, May 13, 2013

Talking in the Wind

He is so affectionate. Told me he'd put me above the others, always. That "I knew that." He'd drop anyone for me. Says he respects me the most out of any other girl he knows. Even then he won't invest his time in me. His priorities are somewhere else, his actions show this clearly.  Or he's given up.  He speaks so highly of me to others. When asked by a stranger how he expects to ever win over a girl as lovely as me (that was SO flattering), with how he behaves, he can't answer. With saying all of this, I'm still struggling. What is wrong with me. I know better, I do. I still want what he says to be true. So badly. But why? What do I actually gain by winning him over? Nothing, I'd have nothing more than only sub par to what I actually need.


Why do I invest all of this thought into him? He can't commit. I'll be left forever desiring more than what he could ever give me. I could even leave him heart broken. That'd be awful too.

He will never respect enough;

He will never be strong enough;
My heart will never feel safe enough;
He will never be man enough;
He will never make me better;
He will never make me feel like I'm enough.

He'll never be able to give me all that I need. That I desire. He knows how to do so many other things, but he won't ever be able to give me the most important things to me. God has blessed me with a very clear picture of what I need. A love like Jesus loves. And man is capable of trying to do this, to live up to this. That's what I want in a man. Apparently this vividness is not something everyone can see. Yet, I'm pushing this blessing of insight away.

I'm being stupid. I am struggling to let this go. But I'm praying, and even though it's hard, Jesus is making His moves for change. Against my will, but with better judgement and my better interest in mind, as always.

"It's all talk, talk, talk, talking in the wind. It only slows you down if you start listening."

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What You Want, Baby I Got it (God Speaking)

Have you ever been in a situation where you don't do what you want to, at the expense of someone else?

Well. I have. And I've become extremely aware of it as of late. An example (among too many) is this very evening. I was excited to finally get to our Wednesday night group at church. It's new, and quickly growing too. My friend and I were walking up to go, when some of our other friends (from church, mind you) invited us to chipotle. My friend immediately said yeah, she wanted to go along...meaning we'd miss the bible study. Said friend knew I wanted to go, and this was not taken into regard as her stomach must have been empty and beckoning.

I had a choice I could make then. I could either proceed alone to the church group- Or I could go with my friends committed to chipotle. I let my friend dictate my path. I was left feeling embarrassed and shame for not going to church. And being surrounded by people chatting about others LOUDLY near where the bible study was carrying on. I was guilty though by association and it's on me. Visiting was great and fun, sure. But there's a time and a place.

I did not make today something that future me would be proud of.

With this post, I'm making a pact with myself. I was never one to follow, but to lead. The Lord has made me aware of these faults now, and I will be walked on no longer. I could be doing so much more and meanwhile, I'm asking for corn salsa in my burrito bowl. 

Follow your gut, it's your conscience and God teaches you what to do and you'll know what's right by getting in the word.


For some more insight and in depth about the right decisions (avoiding Mr. wrong..ahem..) check out Diamond Diploma's latest blog post, "Tough Decisions." I saw we had similar ideas after I had posted mine.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Just a thought...

I think indecisiveness is somewhat of a blessing in disguise.  It allows you to have patience, without intention of having any, to better decide what to do in a given situation.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Dating...A Lost Art

"Oh, we're dating."
Oh, so you're together?
NO. No, we are dating. Less pressure. Some try to call it talking. I call out many people on their form of "talking," which is actually texting. But anyway, dating looks like something that is losing color....almost as if it's a step that's skipped over thanks to our fast paced lifestyles, which is a shame because it's actually awesome.  Considered old fashioned even (which makes it that much more appealing to me, honestly).

The glorious dating period comes before FBO. It's where you build the friendship with the fella, and see how you get along together. This allows you to get a real grasp on who he is, what he's like, and what he believes.   Not to mention how he reacts to certain things..(ahem* like temper tantrums. Not cute).

Sadly, a lot of the time my guy and girl friends use the boyfriend-girlfriend exclusive stamp right off the bat. Sure, they get to know each other, while making relationship ties...driving them deeper and deeper into the honeymoon stage that is the beginning of a relationship.  Basically, everyone's on their very best behavior.  Then...all of a sudden, the true colors emerge.   If this ends badly, your fast paced trek to marriage is quickly interrupted by the baggage claim.  You get to claim yours, and his. And he, yours. 

I want you to see that dating is the best. You avoid that noisy mess I just mentioned. You get to focus on bettering yourself for when the right one does come along, and it keeps your mind clearer. (Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose ;)) None of this ~crazy girls unleashed~ madness breaks out, and it will help you keep friendships over creating enemies. 

To make dating work, you have to know what it is you're looking for, or else you fall for the wrong ones and end up with the jerks. There are so many too. The most. 

My Look For List is like this (similar to my Southern Gent...see a pattern here?):

1. Believes in God (similar to my beliefs)
2. Loves Family
3. Has a plan (career wise, looks to prepare for the future)
4. Leads
5. No short fuse (not easily upset or angered)
6. Heart-He's got to have the best heart. 
7. Not too serious. I need jokes! Mine are awful.
8. Passion for living life (a let's go on adventures type deal)
9. and I want to feel safe around them. With this I mean with my heart, myself, family and all. He protects you from regret
10. HOBBIES-when you're entering the working world, these things become very important. They keep you from having a redundant lifestyle. 

I date to marry. Plain and simple. I'm not about being practiced on (been told I respect myself too much, to which I say, "thank you"). Otherwise I'm wasting my time, and time is fleeting. We have less of it than we realize. 

With that said, pray for a prince charming. There are great guys praying for someone like you, too :) Here's some fun ideas, too for when you're planning to go out and about! 
77 Super Fun Dating Ideas

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

That "Southern Gentleman"

Good morning! So after devotions this am, I was considering the guys that have been reaching out to me as of late. In that stage of retrospect, I considered my own history. I realized (among many things...which will be later posts) that I always go for the fellas that have some sort of southern root to them.  Why is there is such a HUGE appeal for the Southern Gentleman?

I think it has something to do with their hearts...underneath all the plaid, ties, and camouflage, they were raised right by their God-fearing parents. This separates them greatly from the rest of the population who lack that kind of love.  They can show you their hearts because their confidence allows that.

Appropriately called the bible belt, these boys are born and raised to love like Jesus does. It makes sense that they'd know how to forgive, wait, direct anger, and love/care for others in a more selfless manor than that of someone who doesn't know that kind of love at all. And more than that, they know how to treat a lady. If they can find a Proverbs 31 woman, as described in the bible, and also on Southern Simplicity's blog, not only will their mama love her, but he'll love her too.  (HellOo approval stamp!) 

For your consideration: Are you who the person you're looking for, is looking for? 

Anyway-Not to mention...they aren't pansies. By any means. It's almost like this genre of men are the manliest of the men. They know their way around any hardware store, but can also whisk you away on the dance floor and melt your heart. 

By that last part, I mean that they are more likely to *not* have a fear of making fools out of themselves, as they are secure in their person. (Work that silly side y''s too short to take yourself so seriously).

What I'm trying to convey here is what I'm looking for, and how difficult it is to find. However, when I do meet someone who falls under these attributes, they stand out like sore thumbs. The Lord rewards patience, though, so I'm awaiting this kind of a man: 

1. One who can lead. 

He should be a spiritual leader.  I want a man that will be strong in faith and keep care of his family by showing them the love of the Lord. It may sound silly to some, but if he loves Jesus more so than me, I would be the most happy. MOST. 
2. One who can put others before himself.
This doesn't mean get walked on, or not take care of themselves. But Andy Stanley has a wonderful sermon on staying in love (Listen to his podcast....I do oh so often and he's wonderful (Staying in Love Part 1).  This means he is willing to make sacrifices for the ones he loves. 
3. One who lives.
This is quite vague. But, it's a big one. The thought of a mundane, boring life is one that I am seeking to avoid. Someone who lives is one who appreciates the Lord's creation around them. I have an eclectic array of random things I enjoy. If we can live life together, and it involves adventures together, I'm there. One who understands living in this sense also knows time is limited. He has drive and ambition and can confidently care for his family. Yes, it's a responsibility that requires character. Not all can handle this task as well as a God-fearing man. 
4. One who believes what I do.
If they don't match up with me this way, I push them away..and fast.  So I give the guy a chance. If he's brave enough to ask, I'll go on a few dates, but I usually know right away how it's going to go.  I'm not about to lead him on if I'm not feeling it.  Just the same, I wouldn't want to be led on either. P.S. All is not fair in love and war. That's among the worst justification sentences in the history of life. A God fearing man is the man for me!

I just started dating someone who emulates each of these points. We've gone on a couple dates. It's too early to tell...but I'm sure it's about to inspire some writing.