Rule #10: Figure it Out -THE WRONG GUY-

I don't know what my struggle is.

Actually I do. I just don't want to accept it.

So if you haven't already guessed, I'm talking about the wrong guy.  I enjoy his attention, and it is the female version of the chase high that guys get...we want to win them over and fix them. Be the one girl who he changes for, the one girl that calmed him down.  To have that strong of a connection with someone that they don't want to lose you and then they change right then....yeah that's far and rare between.

The truth, and all to real, actual version of the tale is: I'm investing in the wrong person..there's no real risk because I don't really ever plan on being with this guy.  He's Mr. Right Now.  It's just fun to keep it alive and is also challenging.  It's someone to tell your mom you're dating so she stops trying to set you up with that "nice" (truthfully strange) guy from the office.

It is obvious to anyone who uses their brain that that wrong guy has been practicing and developing all of the wrong kinds of skills. He won't know how to treat you, but he will know how to juggle a lot of things at once *ahem* because he is used to juggling several ladies all at the same time.  He won't know how to treat just one as special, and when the going gets rough-oh, on to the next one, because that's what he's been doing his entire dating career.

He gets what he needs from several sources, how will he be satisfied with just one?

Just consider that, though. Life is connected (bible says so). And that makes SENSE (not surprising).  What you have been practicing and participating in your whole life is all that you know how to do. Sure, there is learning and adapting and changing, but you know how hard it is to change a habit. Think of a bad one of your own; like nail biting, procrastinating, cracking knuckles, fidgeting, etc.   First you'd need to be aware it's a problem, then you have to be dedicated and conscious of it to alter it.  There lies the problem-the guys don't see it as a problem, but as an alpha trophy, a part of life...AND THEY'RE PROUD OF IT. The wrong ones...not the right ones. They do exist, again, pray for the right guys to stay on the narrow path and that you are patient in finding one that will seek someone like you. In the meantime...work on bettering you!

I sound like I'm merely justifying my jealousy and anger toward the inspiration dude of this post. The fact of the matter is, I am hooked on a phony.  He made me feel like a fool for caring, which is so wrong- and I got caught getting emotional. I do NOT wear my heart on my sleeve. Ever. And he brought it out of me, and I was catty. For the first time in my life I let my emotions (the female parallel of the male 2nd mind) take over my actions and I hate myself for it.  I don't like his effect on me-who he is shaping me to be- and Pastor Andy Stanley says in his sermons that it is important to be with someone who brings you up. Not down. That doesn't mean I don't like Mr. Wrong- unfortunately, there's not an on/off switch.  But my better sense now knows that he's not for me.

So off I go.

I'm leaving this post with this, Guard Your Heart. (PROVERBS 4:23) The bible warns us to,
and it really is so important.  If you aren't careful, you'll fall into foolishness, anger, jealousy, hatred, etc and possibly (and sadly slowly (so you don't see it creeping up and consuming you)) become someone you aren't proud of.  Don't let it get to that point and nip it in the butt while it's still early.  Before you make that regret that you justify.

In Honor of Father's Day...

A friend of mine sent me this, and I thought it necessary for sharing.

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakable place that isn't rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn't need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I hope he votes—but as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart, he's good.

I don’t care if he's artistic—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I hope he believes and thinks the ways that you do—he needs to be raised to value the sacred, and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.


Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

Talking in the Wind

He is so affectionate. Told me he'd put me above the others, always. That "I knew that." He'd drop anyone for me. Says he respects me the most out of any other girl he knows. Even then he won't invest his time in me. His priorities are somewhere else, his actions show this clearly.  Or he's given up.  He speaks so highly of me to others. When asked by a stranger how he expects to ever win over a girl as lovely as me (that was SO flattering), with how he behaves, he can't answer. With saying all of this, I'm still struggling. What is wrong with me. I know better, I do. I still want what he says to be true. So badly. But why? What do I actually gain by winning him over? Nothing, I'd have nothing more than only sub par to what I actually need.

Need/Want.

Why do I invest all of this thought into him? He can't commit. I'll be left forever desiring more than what he could ever give me. I could even leave him heart broken. That'd be awful too.

He will never respect enough;
He will never be strong enough;
My heart will never feel safe enough;
He will never be man enough;
He will never make me better;
He will never make me feel like I'm enough.

He'll never be able to give me all that I need. That I desire. He knows how to do so many other things, but he won't ever be able to give me the most important things to me. God has blessed me with a very clear picture of what I need. A love like Jesus loves. And man is capable of trying to do this, to live up to this. That's what I want in a man. Apparently this vividness is not something everyone can see. Yet, I'm pushing this blessing of insight away.

I'm being stupid. I am struggling to let this go. But I'm praying, and even though it's hard, Jesus is making His moves for change. Against my will, but with better judgement and my better interest in mind, as always.


"It's all talk, talk, talk, talking in the wind. It only slows you down if you start listening."

What You Want, Baby I Got it (God Speaking)

Have you ever been in a situation where you don't do what you want to, at the expense of someone else?

Well. I have. And I've become extremely aware of it as of late. An example (among too many) is this very evening. I was excited to finally get to our Wednesday night group at church. It's new, and quickly growing too. My friend and I were walking up to go, when some of our other friends (from church, mind you) invited us to chipotle. My friend immediately said yeah, she wanted to go along...meaning we'd miss the bible study. Said friend knew I wanted to go, and this was not taken into regard as her stomach must have been empty and beckoning.

I had a choice I could make then. I could either proceed alone to the church group- Or I could go with my friends committed to chipotle. I let my friend dictate my path. I was left feeling embarrassed and shame for not going to church. And being surrounded by people chatting about others LOUDLY near where the bible study was carrying on. I was guilty though by association and it's on me. Visiting was great and fun, sure. But there's a time and a place.

I did not make today something that future me would be proud of.

With this post, I'm making a pact with myself. I was never one to follow, but to lead. The Lord has made me aware of these faults now, and I will be walked on no longer. I could be doing so much more and meanwhile, I'm asking for corn salsa in my burrito bowl. 

Follow your gut, it's your conscience and God teaches you what to do and you'll know what's right by getting in the word.

PS!

For some more insight and in depth about the right decisions (avoiding Mr. wrong..ahem..) check out Diamond Diploma's latest blog post, "Tough Decisions." I saw we had similar ideas after I had posted mine.

Just a thought...

I think indecisiveness is somewhat of a blessing in disguise.  It allows you to have patience, without intention of having any, to better decide what to do in a given situation.

Dating...A Lost Art

"Oh, we're dating."
Oh, so you're together?
NO. No, we are dating. Less pressure. Some try to call it talking. I call out many people on their form of "talking," which is actually texting. But anyway, dating looks like something that is losing color....almost as if it's a step that's skipped over thanks to our fast paced lifestyles, which is a shame because it's actually awesome.  Considered old fashioned even (which makes it that much more appealing to me, honestly).

The glorious dating period comes before FBO. It's where you build the friendship with the fella, and see how you get along together. This allows you to get a real grasp on who he is, what he's like, and what he believes.   Not to mention how he reacts to certain things..(ahem* like temper tantrums. Not cute).

Sadly, a lot of the time my guy and girl friends use the boyfriend-girlfriend exclusive stamp right off the bat. Sure, they get to know each other, while making relationship ties...driving them deeper and deeper into the honeymoon stage that is the beginning of a relationship.  Basically, everyone's on their very best behavior.  Then...all of a sudden, the true colors emerge.   If this ends badly, your fast paced trek to marriage is quickly interrupted by the baggage claim.  You get to claim yours, and his. And he, yours. 

I want you to see that dating is the best. You avoid that noisy mess I just mentioned. You get to focus on bettering yourself for when the right one does come along, and it keeps your mind clearer. (Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose ;)) None of this ~crazy girls unleashed~ madness breaks out, and it will help you keep friendships over creating enemies. 

To make dating work, you have to know what it is you're looking for, or else you fall for the wrong ones and end up with the jerks. There are so many too. The most. 

My Look For List is like this (similar to my Southern Gent...see a pattern here?):

1. Believes in God (similar to my beliefs)
2. Loves Family
3. Has a plan (career wise, looks to prepare for the future)
4. Leads
5. No short fuse (not easily upset or angered)
6. Heart-He's got to have the best heart. 
7. Not too serious. I need jokes! Mine are awful.
8. Passion for living life (a let's go on adventures type deal)
9. and I want to feel safe around them. With this I mean with my heart, myself, family and all. He protects you from regret
10. HOBBIES-when you're entering the working world, these things become very important. They keep you from having a redundant lifestyle. 

I date to marry. Plain and simple. I'm not about being practiced on (been told I respect myself too much, to which I say, "thank you"). Otherwise I'm wasting my time, and time is fleeting. We have less of it than we realize. 

With that said, pray for a prince charming. There are great guys praying for someone like you, too :) Here's some fun ideas, too for when you're planning to go out and about! 
77 Super Fun Dating Ideas

That "Southern Gentleman"

Good morning! So after devotions this am, I was considering the guys that have been reaching out to me as of late. In that stage of retrospect, I considered my own history. I realized (among many things...which will be later posts) that I always go for the fellas that have some sort of southern root to them.  Why is there is such a HUGE appeal for the Southern Gentleman?

I think it has something to do with their hearts...underneath all the plaid, ties, and camouflage, they were raised right by their God-fearing parents. This separates them greatly from the rest of the population who lack that kind of love.  They can show you their hearts because their confidence allows that.

Appropriately called the bible belt, these boys are born and raised to love like Jesus does. It makes sense that they'd know how to forgive, wait, direct anger, and love/care for others in a more selfless manor than that of someone who doesn't know that kind of love at all. And more than that, they know how to treat a lady. If they can find a Proverbs 31 woman, as described in the bible, and also on Southern Simplicity's blog, not only will their mama love her, but he'll love her too.  (HellOo approval stamp!) 

For your consideration: Are you who the person you're looking for, is looking for? 

Anyway-Not to mention...they aren't pansies. By any means. It's almost like this genre of men are the manliest of the men. They know their way around any hardware store, but can also whisk you away on the dance floor and melt your heart. 
By that last part, I mean that they are more likely to *not* have a fear of making fools out of themselves, as they are secure in their person. (Work that silly side y'all...life's too short to take yourself so seriously).

What I'm trying to convey here is what I'm looking for, and how difficult it is to find. However, when I do meet someone who falls under these attributes, they stand out like sore thumbs. The Lord rewards patience, though, so I'm awaiting this kind of a man: 

1. One who can lead. 
He should be a spiritual leader.  I want a man that will be strong in faith and keep care of his family by showing them the love of the Lord. It may sound silly to some, but if he loves Jesus more so than me, I would be the most happy. MOST. 
2. One who can put others before himself.
This doesn't mean get walked on, or not take care of themselves. But Andy Stanley has a wonderful sermon on staying in love (Listen to his podcast....I do oh so often and he's wonderful (Staying in Love Part 1).  This means he is willing to make sacrifices for the ones he loves. 
3. One who lives.
This is quite vague. But, it's a big one. The thought of a mundane, boring life is one that I am seeking to avoid. Someone who lives is one who appreciates the Lord's creation around them. I have an eclectic array of random things I enjoy. If we can live life together, and it involves adventures together, I'm there. One who understands living in this sense also knows time is limited. He has drive and ambition and can confidently care for his family. Yes, it's a responsibility that requires character. Not all can handle this task as well as a God-fearing man. 
4. One who believes what I do.
If they don't match up with me this way, I push them away..and fast.  So I give the guy a chance. If he's brave enough to ask, I'll go on a few dates, but I usually know right away how it's going to go.  I'm not about to lead him on if I'm not feeling it.  Just the same, I wouldn't want to be led on either. P.S. All is not fair in love and war. That's among the worst justification sentences in the history of life. A God fearing man is the man for me!

I just started dating someone who emulates each of these points. We've gone on a couple dates. It's too early to tell...but I'm sure it's about to inspire some writing.